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When you are taking care of yourself, eating right, exercising, spiritually balanced, mentally stimulated, socially active, and feeling good — your stock values are at their peak. Timing also relates to our relationships. After a breakup focus on your self. It begins when you start enjoying your singlehood and never find a dull moment in your own company.

One of the hardest things to do after you break up with someone is re-adapt to being single. One last thing, remember life is very short and to deprive yourself of a loving relationship leads to an empty life. Julie Ferman, Matchmaker — 6.

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There is always some sense of loss. But when is the right time to pick yourself up and get back on the dating horse? The Representative — we all know who this is. We have met The Rep many times and we have been The Rep ourselves. The Representative is the person who shows up for the first 6-8 weeks of a new relationship. This is when we are bringing our A game, putting our best foot forward, and being the best partner possible. Everyone has flaws, everyone has skeletons in the closet, and no one is perfect. Take it slow until The Representative steps aside. Only then can you truly assess your compatibility. The Rush — What is it? No, I mean, what is the rush? What is fueling your need to jump into the next relationship? Of course new relationships are fun and exciting note: The Rep , but YOU are also fun and exciting! Take time to date yourself, travel, cross some items off your bucket list, reconnect with old friends, volunteer, visit family, etc… Many happy couples share that they met their partner when they least expected it. The Roles — While you are dodging The Rep and taking time for yourself, it can also be helpful to look at past relationships and what role you and your partner took on. You may notice a pattern emerging and can use this information to seek a healthy and happy relationship. For example, do you notice that you feel you are always the responsible one in the relationship? Do you see your partners as being needy or irresponsible? You may be dating people that put you in the position of feeling needed and validated. In this scenario, it may be beneficial to date someone who you feel is independent and responsible. This could lead to equality and mutual respect, as opposed to neediness and codependency. Relationships end because something, somewhere, is not working. Ask yourself how much you love yourself As a counselor, I often have clients come to me after a breakup. There are processes we can do to help them heal the hurt and support them in getting them to hope. However, if someone is in a healthy, respectful and loving relationship with themselves, they will naturally make better choices. From my perspective, there is no right amount of time to take, or not take, between relationships. And what would you like to manifest next? Tammi Baliszewski — 3. Do an honest self check A break up is a roller coaster of emotions under the best of circumstances. Even when you know it was the right decision, uncomfortable feelings can arise. Whether it stems from loneliness or a general disorientation to your new single life, you can sometimes feel ready to move forward, when you are anything but. With specific protocols you can prevent mistakes and regret, but sadly, life is much more complicated than a one size fits all tenet. The good news, however, is that there is one way to truly ascertain your readiness to jump back into the dating pool… You must check in with yourself and get down to the core of it. You are ready to move on. Get that nagging feeling that its the latter? As with any loss, you have to go through a process of grieving, until you feel you are ready to get out and meet new people. To protect yourself from getting into this vulnerable situation, many women assume casual dating is the answer. However, that may not necessarily be the best solution for you. So when you are ready, question what your intentions are for dating again. Are you looking for a life-long partner, a casual companion or a quick fling? By knowing what you want, you can eliminate many men whose goals are different than yours. Plus, you will bypass a lot of the hurt, frustration and disappointment associated with dating. If you know your objective, you will make the experience easier, more successful and, of course, healthier. All relationships should develop from a position of strength, not insecurity. The end result will be enhanced self-development, personal growth and a healthy new relationship. Same is true for finding a great relationship. Julie Ferman, Matchmaker — 6. Whenever you date, make sure that you do it from a place of strength, self-respect and wisdom Determining how long to wait before dating after a break up is a personal, and individual, decision. If you tend to isolate and retreat into a cave of fear after a break up, it may make sense to challenge yourself to go out with friends and accept a casual date or two fairly soon after a break up. This will allow you to try a different way of coping, and stay active and involved in a healthy social scene. If you tend to jump from one relationship into another out of fear of being alone, it may make sense to challenge yourself to be single for a month or two. Spend time with friends, and make sure to spend some time alone. Listen to that quiet voice inside you and see what thoughts and feelings come up. Do things you enjoy, like hiking or reading or bungee jumping. Eat when and what you want to eat. Listen to your needs and reconnect with who you are so that when you date again, you have a stronger sense of self, and not just a sense of yourself in relation to someone else. It was so transformative that she wanted to name her child, another truly transformative part of her life, after that special place. When you do start dating, pay attention to pace. If you tend to hold back and stay guarded for a long time, and that gets in the way of you creating connected romances, challenge yourself to be more vulnerable in relationships, in small safe ways. If you tend to throw yourself all in, and get very hurt when you break up, challenge yourself to slow the pace, and have boundaries around your time available for dating, and limit some of the content of what you share. Dating can be a great way to explore your interests, your passions, and feel connected and accepted by people, something most of us crave. But it can also be a place where we lose ourselves and care more about pleasing someone else, or getting external validation. Make sure that no matter how long you wait to start dating after a break up, you do it from a place of strength, self-respect and wisdom for creating experiences in life that will help you to grow into the best version of yourself possible. Shelby Riley, LMFT — 7. Only you can answer this question. It varies for everyone as we all have a different timing and process. Confidence and self-esteem is often low when the relationship you dreamt was going to last forever, ends. You may have changed over time and who you were, may be different now. There are some key questions you can explore which can help you start over again. Decide when you are really ready to meet new people. It can be daunting as well as exciting. The dating scene could have changed with online dating which, in itself can be a challenge! Discover what you really want in your life now. This may be an opportunity to find new interests or travel, study or change jobs. It gives you the freedom to follow yourself and your own process without negotiation or compromise. Consider if you have really come to terms with the break up. Sometimes we attach ourselves quickly to someone else, because we are scared of being on our own, lonely or need support financially or with our children. We jump from one relationship into another because it distracts us from dealing with feelings of loss and it makes us feel better if someone is interested in us. If you do date someone, take your time to find out about the new person. If so, have an attitude of enjoying yourself rather than immediately wanting a long term relationship. Have a look around and see who is out there! It takes time to heal. Sherry Marshall, BSc, MAA — 8. Realize your vulnerability and understand that you have to completely let go of the past first if you want to enjoy a loving relationship that is not emotionally distracted Although some break ups are welcome, your relationship has ended and you hurt. But what better time to rediscover who you are while you find the courage to love again! But is this the right time? Ask yourself first if your basic human fear of being alone is misguiding your instincts. The most wonderful relationship you can have is the relationship with yourself. So let the journey begin. The fragile time after a break up is time to live in the moment. Obsessing about the past, and feeling anxious about the future may motivate you to date too soon. Be honest with yourself. Why do you want to start dating? Realize your vulnerability and understand that you have to completely let go of the past first if you want to enjoy a loving relationship that is not emotionally distracted. It is your responsibility to embrace the journey of emotional healing and to do the required homework. Being single is a wonderful opportunity to enjoy the benefits of being independent. To do this, you need to understand who you are today. Begin with a plan: Change your routine. Re-establishing some control in your life will feel liberating. Schedule the time you would have spent with your mate on a yoga class, a book on meditation, your favorite physical activity, social interaction, and most importantly, some personal reflection. This is an excellent opportunity to resolve personal issues you have either ignored or have not been aware of in your past relationship. One of the things you may regretfully understand is that in the past, your emotional, physical, and mental focus was invested into your previous partner, and your needs were sacrificed. When your relationship crashed so did your sense of self! To address this, begin by being mindful and strive to create balance in your life. By consciously observing who you are, connecting to your feelings, registering your thoughts, accepting your emotions and tuning in to your body, you will become self-aware. Reclaiming yourself will be enlightening! Consciously observe some of your greatest personality traits. Own them and love them! Mentally address any issues which may have played a key role in the break up due to their negative impact, and commit to change. By examining how you interact in your relationships you will gain better insight, stronger intuition and a deeper sense of what your expectations and motivations are for the next relationship. The brain adapts best to persistence, and repetition re-wires the brain to enable change. So practise being single. Create a lifestyle that reflects what is important to you. Prepare to be emotionally present in your next relationship by processing your feelings and letting go of what was. Commit to being mindful of who you are and enter a new relationship not because you need to be loved but because you have made a positive choice. You have been cut. And you have bled. In order to stop the emotional bleeding, strive to love yourself. When you can attest that you feel confident and happy, it is time to make space in your life for a respectful, caring and committed relationship. And remember, a healthier, confident you, will attract a healthier, confident mate. Karleen Nevery, MTC, RTC, CPA — 9. Ask yourself the 6 questions below How soon is too soon to begin dating after the breakup of a relationship? Each person, each situation, is unique so there cannot possibly be any one-size-fits-all answer to this question. This means that you have to go inside yourself, do some honest soul-searching, and look for the right answer each time this happens. To help you focus your soul-searching, ask yourself these questions. What does it mean to you to be in a relationship? In other words, what does it say about you, about who you are, about your value and worth as a person? Conversely, what does it say about you to not be in a relationship? What needs do you get met in a relationship? When you get those answers, move on to the next set of questions. What does it cost you to be in a relationship? Are there better, healthier ways to get your needs met? Are the beliefs you have about who you are and your innate value as a person holding you back? Making you settle, just to be in a relationship? Is it time to discard some of those limiting beliefs and become your own highest and best self? During the dark time of recovery after a breakup, try not to rush into another relationship. And, when the going gets tough, remember the words of Barry Manilow. Loral Lee Portenier — 10. Some people are too emotionally distraught with the past to be present emotionally. Where others are anxious to get out there and meet new people. It all depends on the psychological conditions that were occurring in their previous relationship, and also what were the circumstances as to how the relationship dissolved. I think the operative word is dating. Too many people see dating as a process to the end game, marriage. As opposed to getting out there and meeting new people to fulfill some basic emotional needs in the short term. Dating from the psychological position of emotional deprivation is not a good idea because it distorts your ability to view a healthy potential mate. Dating is one way to create an emotional support system. It is a very powerful experience to go out with someone who smiles when they see you and are excited to be with you. This is especially true if a person is coming out of relationship that was toxic to their self-esteem. One last thing, remember life is very short and to deprive yourself of a loving relationship leads to an empty life. Take the risk, what do you have to lose, but being lonely and unfulfilled. Daniel Beaver, MS, MFT — 11. Timing is the difference between making the train to an important job interview compared to watching it go past us. Timing also relates to our relationships. Consider the train as a metaphor for your relationship. You want to wait not only for the right train going to the correct destination, but you need to get on at the right time. Our past and our future relationships are not as significant as what we carry internally within us. Do you feel worthy even when you are alone? It is too soon to be in a new relationship until you feel that you do not need anyone to be happy. If a part of you feels that a void in your life can and will be filled in your future relationship, you will be sadly disappointed. It is not until we have fully accepted what lies within us that we can be ready for a new relationship. You will be glad you did once you arrive at your beautiful destination. Brooke Campbell, MA, RDT-BCT, LCAT — 12. The only rule is to listen to what you feel and respect it Unfortunately, there is no clear- cut rule that everyone can follow, such as wait 6 ½ weeks. Whether or not you are ready to date largely depends on how you are experiencing the end of your former relationship. Some people are devastated, and ruminate over their ex for many months. When they do start to date, they may find themselves comparing the new prospect to their old lover and only focusing on their flaws, without giving anyone new a chance. When someone is really obsessing about an ex, they will never be able to get a new relationship off the ground. It is too painful to feel so disconnected to a stranger and try to start the getting to know you process. In cases like this, it can be much healthier to focus on your own self-healing, and personal growth. Whether it takes a couple weeks, or even a year, put the time in and build up your strength and confidence so you can reemerge on the dating scene with a clear head and a clean slate. If you do not feel you are moving forward, definitely talk to a therapist. My prescription comes without black and white rules, or judgement. If you are ready the next day after a breakup, by all means, go on a date! Some people have been suffering in sexless, loveless relationships for years. After finally getting the courage to end the relationship, they can feel completely empowered. In those cases, go ahead and see what you have been missing! The world is your oyster! The only rule is to listen to what you feel and respect it. Alisa Ruby Bash, LMFT — 13. Ask yourself if you understand the developmental task that you were accomplishing with your ex Do you think that people are done developing at ate 18? What is the cutoff for continuing to grow? I ask you this because relationships have a lot to do with personal development and growth. If you think of it, your first relationship was with your parents or parental figures who raised you. Your first relationships helped you identify who you were as you grew up. I propose that this interplay between self-knowledge and relationship continues in adult romantic attachments. These are also potentially close and caring holding environments in which to develop our capacities. We learn to know our own thoughts and feelings, to express them in a way that has integrity to our values, to see another person as separate and to understand that they have different feelings and thoughts. We strive to become curious about them and to create a relationship environment that invites knowing one another deeply. These are skills that we develop through practice in real relationships and carry forward with us into our next relationship if the current one ends. Here are some questions that will help you identify the developmental task: — Was I learning that I can tolerate the conflict that comes with saying what I want and need? Make sure that you know where you came from and where you are now, as well as where you want to get to next and what will help you reach your aim, before diving back into the currents and eddies of dating. For support with self-reflection on relationships, I recommend the following reading: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love 2010. New York NY: Penguin Group USA Inc. Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours 2000. San Francisco, CA: Conari Press. The Ten Conversations You Must Have Before Getting Married 2007. Toronto, CN: Key Porter Books. Melinda Douglass — 14. Ask yourself the 4 questions below To wait, not to wait, or how long should you wait after a relationship has ended? Have you taken any time to reflect or decompress from you last relationship? Remember dating and a relationship is a two-way street, so consider if you really feel like you have the time, energy, and attention to give to someone else and their life. They deserve to be treated just as well as you do. Other ways to cope with heartache. Consider other esteem building activities and supports to access instead of looking to a new beau for validation or reassurance. I invite you to go to friends or the other activities in your life that you were doing without or before your partner. Will it feel the same or provide the same instantaneous gratification? However, it will provide more long-term relief and help you feel more emotionally healthy for your next relationship. You will have a better chance of going into your next relationship not feeling overly reliant on them to make you feel okay about yourself and your life. Laura Rinset, MS, LMFT — 15. Begin a new relationship when you are completely done with the last This is a tricky issue! Not because the truth is not clear but because it will be hard for most people to live it. However, if you take the time to do the necessary work, your next relationship will not be more of the same but will instead be immensely better. How do you know when to begin dating after a breakup? When you are completely done with the last! I can already feel the gasping some may have at reading this! This tells us how far off the truth we are as a society. It is never a good idea to get over the last by finding a new one! The reasoning is simple and the necessity is clear. A marriage license is not just a piece of paper. In order to be free to date the energetic contract must be voided which is divorce. Next, even though there is no love lost between the two of you when you think about your ex and feel anger, hurt, sadness, frustration, annoyance, disgust, etc. These emotions indicate clear emotional ties to your past person which underneath is probably love. Anger, hurt, frustration, and annoyance are kissing cousins to love; opposite sides to the same coin. The true opposite of love is apathy or being neutral. There should be no emotional response at all when you routinely think of your ex. When we get into new relationships and emotion is still present from the past you are bringing the old partner into the new. Also, because you have not resolved the old, the new will be more of the same no matter how they seem at first. The only way to have different patterns in our relationships is to clear the past. It depends on how quickly the person works and the depth of the relationship. It can take years! Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC — 16. Often many women are left with unanswered questions and will have to accept that they may never get the answers they so desperately seek. So when the opportunity to love again or engage in a deep, intimate friendship comes along their fears of being left with a broken heart, being let down or experiencing great disappointment; cause them to pause. So the question remains a. When is it okay to explore the possibilities and entertain the idea of a new relationship? When is it okay to allow yourself the chance to love again? When is it okay to allow yourself to act on your attraction to someone you find desirable? And when do you allow yourself the opportunity to involve your heart with the heart of another? The answers to these questions are simple, yet very complex. You will know that you are ready to entertain the idea of a new relationship, love again, act on your attraction to another, or involve your heart with the heart of another if one or all three of the following occur: 1. When you think of your ex and no ill feelings arise 2. When you no longer have the urge to cry over the loss of the relationship and 3. When you no longer linger on the bad times and can remember the good times with fondness and laugh. Wendy Whitmore, MS, LMFT — Copyright Notice You may not, except with express written permission, distribute or commercially exploit the content. Nor may you transmit it or store it in any other website or other form of electronic retrieval system.

Dating can be a great way to explore your interests, your passions, and feel connected and accepted by people, something most of us crave. So when you are ready, sin what your intentions are for dating again. You want to wait not only for the right train going to the correct destination, but you need to get on at the right time. Dating from the psychological position of emotional deprivation is not a good idea because it distorts your resistance to view a healthy potential mate. We strive to become curious about them and to create a relationship environment that invites knowing one another deeply. Spend time with friends, and make sure to spend some time alone. If you dated someone for a year or more, you may con three to four months. You may be dating people that put you in the position of feeling needed and validated. Are there better, healthier ways to get your needs met. Begin with a plan: Change your routine.